its like i’m hosting a party for bad vibes

in my heart. in my stomach. i feel it . every single day. it’s trying to ruin my mood, this stupid internal pain that should have been long gone after soooo many talks with others. i am loved. i am cared for. i love myself, i care for myself. i am not alone. And yet, all I feel is this gloomy cloud trying to get above me all day. I have to tiptoe and push it away so hard just so i can remain in peace. I mean, this I do understand: My boyfriend told me simply after a good half hour trying to explain my personal journey on trying to get rid of “the cloud”, he said, “you need to get out the negative thats inside  before you handle the negative outside.” It’s true. How dare I really try to control people’s attitudes around me, the environments I place myself in, the people that I come across everyday? They don’t know anything about me and my journey and could honestly not give a fuck. So after another night of not being able to sleep because my mind was so crowded with evil thoughts, melancholy memories, sad and pitiful realities, my boyfriend had had enough. No more calling him just to stay on the phone so I could sleep (he was a perfect companion btw) no more complaining about how alone I feel in the apartment (where I’m supposed to have two roommates and internet and cable by now) no more quiet moments and “idk whats bugging me” excuses.I would stay with him tonight and tomorrow start working on whats inside that had been irking me for the past two weeks. So now I’m working on another layer of my creative journey… I feel like this one will take a lifetime.